If They Say “You Complete Me,” Run (S3E12)

What if “no red flags” isn’t the goal? We shine a bright light on the difference between the absence of danger and the presence of safety, unpacking how real green flags look, sound, and feel in a queer relationship. From the rush of love bombing to the slow drain of walking on eggshells, we map the patterns that erode trust and the practices that rebuild it.

We start by challenging the scarcity mindset that can show up in sapphic dating and make us overlook obvious issues: grand declarations, excessive gifts, hot‑cold attention, and defensiveness when asked simple questions. Then we turn the spotlight to the signals of health—conversations that add rather than echo, curiosity that asks follow‑ups, boundaries that are honored without debate, and repairs that are measured in changed behavior, not quick apologies. Along the way, we talk autonomy in hobbies and careers, why celebrating each other’s wins matters behind closed doors as much as online, and how parallel play and capacity check‑ins keep the connection steady through busy seasons.

You’ll hear practical, therapist‑informed insights: how to spot performative mirroring, what controlling behavior looks like in daily life, and why growth together beats staying “the same” to keep the peace. We share personal moments—from booking gigs to navigating venue nostalgia—that show what support sounds like when your partner’s dreams are on the line. If you’ve ever wondered whether you’re seeing genuine interest or just performance, this conversation gives you a clear lens and a language for both the red and the green.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs a loving nudge, and leave a review telling us the green flag you now look for first. Your story might help someone else choose better love.

Transcript

Welcome And Framing The Flag Metaphor

SPEAKER_01 0:00

The absence of red flags is great, but the presence of green ones is better. Hello! Welcome to Queerly Committed. I'm your co-host, Corey. And I'm Erin. Today we're gonna be talking about some flags.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

What kind of flags, you ask?

SPEAKER_01 0:32

Well, red flags, green flags, maybe even some yellow flags that we discover along the way. Yeah. That like, uh, let's just keep an eye on this.

SPEAKER_03 0:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Because sometimes there's just uh things that happen. And you don't have to keep an entire log of your partner's behavior in a spreadsheet. You know, but like it's okay for you to clock things and then bring them up at an appropriate time. Yes. Yeah. In a timely manner. Also part of the appropriate time, yeah. Not only bringing it to their attention quickly, but also not so urgently that it tramples over their entire existence. Right. Because they're also a human being. Right.

unknown 1:20

Yeah. Yeah.

Why Red Flags Get Overlooked In Sapphic Dating

SPEAKER_01 1:21

So let's get into it. I think uh mayhaps we start with the red ones, because I feel like those are the easily identifiable ones. Right. The green ones took me personally a little bit of time to start to recognize and understand what healthy flags look like. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:41

I do think that in Sapphic relationships, everybody just kind of wants to toss aside the red flags just because they're so excited to have like a person that's into them or have a partner, a potential partner, if you will.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

Well, and do you also think, not to cut you off, I'm sorry, but just this ties in. Do you also think that in Sapphic relationships we are so willing to look past the flaws?

SPEAKER_02 2:04

I think that in Sapphic relationships, people are willing to look past flaws and red flags because they haven't yet established their own personal boundaries as of yet. So they're at a point where they will take what they can get because the options, you know, the options are, you know, it's it's definitely a smaller tank, you know, definitely a smaller fish tank. So I do believe that a lot of times that red flags do get glazed over, disregarded, everybody's looking through, you know, rose lenses just because they're excited to have found somebody to reciprocate a partnership with.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

Because they haven't established their own personal boundaries and haven't actually thought about who they want to have in a partnership, what their ideal partnership looks like, and have they just haven't laid down the like their own boundaries and their own rules. So they accept whatever that they can get. We do tend to overlook things that are problematic.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Yeah.

Love Bombing And Excessive Gifts

SPEAKER_02 3:11

Because, like, well, you know, maybe you you end up making excuses for them when there really is no excuse for that. You know, they they you don't there's just none of that. When you find yourself making excuses for the person that you're potentially going to be suiting, to the point where you're making excuses for them, to your friends, your family, like that should be a red flag. Oh, well, they're just this and they're just that, and they're just well no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's problematic. So uh some red flags. First one that comes to mind love bombing. Oh yeah. Love bombing. Super like they're just very eager to like jump in there, get a go, and they're just like You're my whole world.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

You're my everything. I've never been so happy in my whole entire life. This is so lovely. Well, I've never felt like this towards anybody before.

SPEAKER_02 4:05

Right. Those casual cliche lines that they probably have told other people. Um, I do feel that love bombing does happen a tremendous amount, especially in woo-a-woo relationships, because people are eager to like nail it down, you know, to nail down that potential suitor, that potential partner. And if you like somebody and you really like somebody, the worst thing that you could do is love bomb the shit out of them. You're gonna suffocate them. Right. You're gonna you're right, exactly. You're gonna suffocate the shit out of them. So how if you do like somebody, instead of love bombing them, and also love bombing is a tact that narcissists use. That's another thing. Like, you gotta be aware of that. There are narcissists, there are people out there that you know they're gonna come across as the bees, fucking knees, and everything that you wanted them to be, and then they're gonna turn out to not be because you fucking skipped over on some red flags that you shouldn't have.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

And now they're so obvious you can't help but see them, but they're like in the way of everything.

SPEAKER_02 5:15

Do you know your hat's on inside out? Yes. I did that on purpose. Red flags, love bombing. Definitely, love bombing is one of them. Again, with the cliche one-liners, like I've never felt like this before, or I've never felt this any you know about this kind of like you you you complete me, and that's another one.

SPEAKER_01 5:33

You complete me like nobody should ever complete you, boo-boo. Correct. And if anybody does, it better be yourself. There you go. It better be yourself because I oh I think it is so dangerous that narrative of you complete me. Right. Because it suggests that I am incomplete without you. Right. And I hate that. I hate the idea of being incomplete. Number one, I'm a fucking perfectionist. Number two, I hate the idea that it is dependent on another person. Right.

SPEAKER_02 6:11

So they're essentially shoving it onto the other person, like I'm now completed because of you. So if you leave me, I will be incomplete and I won't know what to do or how to live my life. Well, guess what?

SPEAKER_01 6:21

Sometimes sometimes one of us has to take a shit. Right. Okay? And as much as I love you, and as much as we share everything, and y'all, I mean fucking everything, I don't particularly think that that is a space that we need to cohabitate all of the time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:40

First one, love bombing. Yeah, we agree on that. Love bombing is definitely uh one that you should not look over.

SPEAKER_01 6:45

That also includes excessive gift giving.

SPEAKER_02 6:48

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 6:49

Because if somebody is trying to shower you with new things all of the time, especially really early in a relationship, they're probably trying to buy your affection. They're also probably trying to distract you from something else.

SPEAKER_02 7:08

It's less about finding out who they are as a person and more about look how lavish of a lifestyle I can br provide for you. Gross.

unknown 7:16

Yuck.

SPEAKER_00 7:18

Cause that's what I'm supposed to do is provide for you. Sorry.

Hot–Cold Behavior And Defensiveness

SPEAKER_02 7:23

But there are people out there that they in order to uh make up for what they lack in like personality, they that's what they do is they do excessive gift giving so they don't have to really delve too much into their whole like who they are as a person. And to be honest, they probably don't fucking know. Another red flag, I would say, is the hot and cold inconsistency, inconsistency with their words, their actions, their means of uh spending time with you, their mood. Their mood?

SPEAKER_01 7:55

Oh yes. Yep, the hot and cold shit. Nope. No time. No time. Not interested. No, thank you. What about defensiveness? Like defensiveness in um lies and secrecy. So so if you approach your partner and you're like, hey, I just wanted to ask you about this text message, and they're like, What? Why are you so jealous all the time? Yes. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a that that seemed like an inappropriate response to the question at hand.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

The one thing that I know is that when a person asks a question and there's nothing to hide, it is never met with defensiveness ever. It is al it is always met with oh shit, no. It's it's meant with a conversation, it is never meant with defensiveness. And if someone is like fighting tooth and nail, there's a reason why. Because honesty has no reason to defend itself, but a lie does. That's correct. Controlling behavior. Yeah. When they're trying to like trying to isolate you away from your friends and family, so that they're the only thing that they that is in your orbit. Yep. Or when they try to control like who your friends are, who you go out with, what you wear.

SPEAKER_01 9:18

What you wear is a big one. Oh yeah. Like Oh, that makes me so mad. Let me wear what I want to wear. Right.

Control, Insecurity, And Anger Outbursts

SPEAKER_02 9:25

And if it makes you feel a certain way, that's a you problem. Right. If that's a you problem, you need to fucking figure out why you feel that way because it's your emotions and it's your reaction to why so that they're wearing that. So let's say like they're wearing something that they feel like they are just they are feeling it, they are confident in it, and you personally are like, I don't want them wearing that because I think that it's this, this, and this. Okay, well, here you go, right there. Because I think it is this, this, and this. So these things, those are the reasons why you don't want them to wear that, and it has nothing to do with them, it has everything to do with you. So why are you uncomfortable with them expressing themselves? That's a big red flag. If you can't handle them expressing themselves with the way that they dress, how they carry themselves, then you need to do a little bit more uh soul searching and figure out why you're having those um insecurities. Insecurities. Thank you. Yes, yes, yes, yes, insecurities. People that make insecurity, their whole personality. Yeah. Because that means you're gonna be doing a lot of the heavy lifting, a lot of reassuring, and it's not to say that they're a bad person, it's just to say that maybe they're not actually ready to be in a relationship yet. And it Yeah, and and we're not talking about like body insecurity, things like that. We're talking about insecurity like viciously over every little fucking thing.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

Right. Like almost like weaponized incompetence for everything. Right, correct. Where it's like, okay, this entire relationship is now my responsibility to make sure that you're cared for, and really what you need is an in-home nurse, and they exist. I'm no tea, no shade. I'm just saying like that, I'm not certified.

SPEAKER_02 11:20

Anger. Outbursts, anger and outbursts. They are showing highly um like volatile emotional states. That's a red flag. Because it shows that they're not emotionally intelligent to keep that shit in check. When's that gonna be? It's only a matter of time before that is gonna be turned onto you.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

Right, because the peaks and valleys which everybody experiences, but like I think about myself now and where I'm at. I've been going to therapy, I've been taking my medication, I do the things. My peaks and valleys are like, wee, wee, it's we return to baseline really, you know, really easy.

SPEAKER_02 12:01

It's like I'm I'm feeling very fucking angry about this shit, and then and then I let it go. Right.

SPEAKER_01 12:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:06

But you can express express it in a healthy way instead of having an emotional outburst, and then you're having you're forcing your partner to walk around on eggshells, yeah, and then that's just creating a dynamic to where now your whole purpose in the relationship is making sure that you walk on eggshells to the point where you're tiptoeing around everything, even if you're like you're compromising who you are as a person because you want to make somebody else comfortable, that's a red flag.

SPEAKER_01 12:33

Yeah, and I think that's also control. Assuming that the the person that did it is doing it knowingly, intentionally, like, and I don't I don't know that knowingly and intentionally is necessary. I just feel like more often than not, that is the case.

SPEAKER_02 12:50

I think that maybe emotional uh intelligence and control, the lack of emotional intelligence, you'll see a higher spike in control. Um I'm gonna look into that because I would say, like, I I would make a guess that you would see the two going hand in hand just because it just seems like it would. But I'm not a doctor. This is just my guess, but it just seems it seems like it checks.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

For now, it is speculation.

SPEAKER_02 13:16

Speculation.

SPEAKER_01 13:17

And uh we'll be happy to follow up.

SPEAKER_02 13:19

Belittling. Belittling, belittling, that's a red flag. Belittling, cutting people down, yeah. And and it I talking shit on other people. Yeah. And that's their whole personality.

SPEAKER_03 13:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:34

Because if they're talking shit about people behind their backs, imagine what they say about you behind their backs.

SPEAKER_01 13:40

Even if you are their partner, because obviously they don't seem to have a problem talking about co-workers and private things that were told them, or their family, or their best friend, and it's like, alright, well, they don't really seem to have a line that they won't cross.

SPEAKER_02 13:57

Right. Seems like that uh when things go south, the first person that they're gonna talk to is not you. Right.

From “No Red Flags” To Spotting Green Flags

Mirroring Vs Real Engagement

SPEAKER_01 14:04

I really appreciate this conversation about red flags. I I also think there's a really, really big thing to be said about green ones too, because until this relationship, my therapist and I had not talked about green flags specifically. And I remember whenever I first talked about our relationship and where we were, I felt like I had done my due diligence and I really just wanted her to to like double check my work, you know, just check my math and make sure that I I'm I'm not insane, am I? You know, uh having an outside source as a reference point that, you know, that hopefully cares about you. Right. So I remember talking to my therapist about this, and I was like, I'm not seeing any red flags, are you? And they were like, Well, the absence of red flags is great, but the presence of green ones is better. And I said, Oh. And she said, Do you know what those are? And I shook my head, and we had a whole conversation dedicated to green flags. So I shall share some of my therapy experience with you. Again, I am not a licensed professional, so uh I'm just out here vibing. I'm just a regular people, and this is my personal experience. When I was talking to my therapist, one of the things that they had mentioned to me is not only are we having conversations that are engaging with each other, but they're also conversations that both parties are adding to. It's important that everybody is building in the relationship, especially in the early stages. Because if we're both able to say, Oh, really, I I love the color purple, and you're like, Yeah, I love purple. Purple's great, and I'm like, okay, cool. I'm like, yeah, you know, I really like water, and you're like, Water is the best. Isn't water just so cool? Water's great. Okay. Well, I fucking said that. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 16:20

Like, and it it doesn't mean that you can't agree, but like what there's no there's no engagement in the conversation, there's no back. Right. So it then therefore you're holding the whole conversation and you're trying to make, you know, yeah. And then that is self that in itself, like, if they can't hold a conversation, if they don't know how to ask questions that's definitely gonna be a red flag.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

Yeah, and actually that red flag is called mirroring. Ah yes, yes. I'm I'm actually like looking at my notes right now that I wrote down in therapy in my head. I'm like that guy from suits.

SPEAKER_02 17:00

Here's the thing, is you know, the all the peculiar thing is that people do mirror each other like very, very consistently.

SPEAKER_01 17:07

Yes, and and I think that mirroring is a thing that we do to show that we are listening and we're engaged, you know what I mean? But I think there's a point where it becomes simply performative. Right. And that's kind of the difference.

SPEAKER_02 17:28

Right, because you're having a conversation and then you're mirroring the person, and then after the conversation after the person speaks, you're like, oh yeah, totally. And then that's it. That's all. They were they were pretending that they were being engaged, and they were pretending that they, you know, that they were into the thing, but then they had nothing to add to it, so chances are that they weren't even listening to a fucking word that you were saying.

SPEAKER_01 17:49

Right. And if all they're doing is just responding and parroting back to you how much they love your hobbies that you're involved in, and not a single time have they shared any of their own. Right. Yeah. Maybe we should be concerned. Because for some reason, that's not coming up.

SPEAKER_02 18:09

Another red flag. Only talking about themselves and never asking about you.

Curiosity, Questions, And Conversational Balance

SPEAKER_01 18:14

Holy fuck, yes. Yes. Because whether it be narcissism in in some part of the spectrum, because it all is, or whether it be simply just a just I think there's a lot of control in that too, that I recognize that it's like, well, I want to talk all about me because I'm the best, I'm the best, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. If you ain't first, you're last.

SPEAKER_02 18:43

I was high when I said that. You can be second, you can be third. Hell, Ricky! Yeah, another green flag is um, like you said, being active in conversation, asking questions about the other person, them wanting to know more about you and engaging that and to further so when the conversation goes on, they they further reflect upon it and keep keep that momentum going.

SPEAKER_03 19:09

Yeah.

Boundaries, Compatibility, And Letting Go

SPEAKER_02 19:09

That is a green flag because they're showing interest in what you've said, had in addition to, and then also said, Well, how about this? And then so that's uh yeah, that's that's definitely a definitely a green flag.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

Also boundaries, boundaries boundaries, green flag. Yeah, somebody that understands their own boundaries or at least has has done more than tiptoe and heard about it on the internet. You know what I mean? Like I I appreciate that everybody starts somewhere, but if you are at a point where you have established boundaries that you are simply maintaining, and your partner has never even actually established any boundaries with themselves or others, right? Okay, we need to step back because we're not on equal footing. Right. And either one partner is asking the other partner to step up and be in a place where they're not, or that partner ends up being a a mentor, and depending upon the other partner, whether they just be, you know, more on the weaponized incompetent side or whether they be in the fully engaged side. Cause yeah, you and I came at different levels. I don't think everybody comes in at the same level, but like I I feel like you either do well to help each other up or you do well to just shake hands and call it a day. Right.

SPEAKER_02 20:40

But there was also the discussion of compatibility. And we'd already established that as a boundary. Like, hey, we're gonna we're gonna talk things seem to be going well, we're gonna continue forward with this, and if it uh if it's not gonna be the jam, we can just go ahead and shake hands and call it a day. Yeah. You don't have to stay stuck in something just because you have been talking to this person for a month. If it doesn't click, it doesn't click. But don't also within yourself, don't mistake it clicking for wishful thinking. Yeah because I think a lot of times that people were j they were just excited to finally like have that relationship or whatnot. So they're willing to like they're they're willing to change everything about themselves to make things click.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

But at the end of the day, last everything that is a reason why it shouldn't.

SPEAKER_02 21:34

Right.

SPEAKER_01 21:35

Yeah.

Autonomy In Hobbies And Careers

SPEAKER_02 21:36

And it's not to say that like so, like you don't you hate hiking, they don't, or they love hiking. That's not like you can still have a relationship with somebody that where you have completely polar opposites, it's just established right then and there hey, I'm never gonna go hiking with you, but feel free to keep going hiking. You know, I understand that you would love to have me on these adventures, but I don't want to go on these adventures, but I I don't want you to stop going on these adventures just because I don't like them. That would be a green flag. Right.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

And in fact, bonus points if they go, Hi, I am happy to be your cheerleader on this. And also, do you have a support group? Cause like it's cool if they were looking for that within a partnership because I wanted a musician within this partnership.

SPEAKER_02 22:25

My ideal person would be somebody that is involved in the music industry or has some sort of knowledge of it that has worked in the industry just because they would understand my level of gigging and the things that I do and the amount of that I put forward into such things. Right. Because if there can be a tremendous, you know, the oh well, you think that your music is more important than me. You're always out doing this, that, the other thing. It's like, yeah, I am gonna go, you know, I am going to go to these shows. I am going to, you know, talk to promoters. I am going to do these things. And so, yeah, that is gonna be a part of my personal life. And if you want to come with me, that's great. If it's not your thing, great. Right. But don't say that I it's more important to me than you, because that's unfucking fair.

SPEAKER_01 23:16

Right. And especially if it's already been established in the beginning, right, that you know, that this is where we are. Um, I think another thing that that I just thought of is sharing celebrations.

SPEAKER_02 23:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 23:30

Sharing celebrations is huge because again, you're looking for the green flag of are they supporting all of the time?

SPEAKER_03 23:41

Right.

SPEAKER_01 23:41

Are they cheering for you while they're winning and while they're losing? Are they cheering for you in the in-between? Are they cheering in the offseason? Are they cheering everywhere they go? Or are they only cheering when there's a fucking audience? Right.

Sharing Celebrations And Matching Energy

SPEAKER_02 23:58

I think a lot of times is you'll see um someone so excited that this one thing that is finally complete, or this one thing that has happened, and they're so excited to share it with their partner, and their partner is just like, Cool, yeah, whatever. That's it's it seemed like why are you so it's why are you so excited about that? Like anybody could do that, and it deflates it knocks the wind out of their sails. That's not good. Yeah. That's not good. Like, yeah, if your partner isn't celebrating your wins just as fucking like vibrant as you are, check that, clock that. I think to me, that's a red flag.

SPEAKER_01 24:34

Yeah. I yeah, I agree. I yeah, I I think that they sh they should be matching your emotions to a certain degree, in the sense of like when you're excited about something, if they're not, why? Right. And especially if they're they're showing the opposite. Oh, that's oh, flags. Flags, flags, flags, flags.

SPEAKER_02 25:01

Right. Because it's showing that not only do they not find your happiness exhilarating, but they're also showing that they just don't give a fuck. Money. They they're not like they're not emotionally in tune with their partner.

SPEAKER_01 25:21

It's almost like they're not even here for your happiness.

SPEAKER_02 25:25

Right. You're there just to be a fucking arm candy or some shit. Like just to be just be just to be a partner, to be space in the bed and Right.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

And but why wouldn't a partner want to be, you know, every like I you got word today that you got booked. Yeah. And booked from a gig that you had played less than a month ago. And this isn't just the first booking that you've received, this is actually the second one that you've received from that singular event. And I think it's amazing. And like I'll gas it up all damn day. Like I'm so excited. And I also appreciate that while I also have things happening in my life that I'm celebrating, you are right there. So it's so it's just so cool.

SPEAKER_02 26:24

Yeah. And for context, for con for that context, this was a venue that I had played in the past, and it had been a long time since this venue was even used. So when the opportunity, you know, when the venues switched at the very last minute, by the way. Oh yeah. It was it was within a like a week, the venue change. And I was so excited to, you know, letter. I was like, you don't like this is, you know, this is why this venue means so much to me, is because I have so much history already at this venue. Like I have stories upon stories of all the bookings that I've ever had at this particular venue on all all these different like lineups and all these different production companies that have used that venue. So to be back in my stomping grounds, it it's just it's very nostalgic for me. And you shared that excitement because you knew how important that was to me just to like, just to even be in that, like in that area, just to breathe that that stale club air, you know, because it hadn't because the venue hadn't been used. It was just, it was shut down. So you knew the importance of it, and for for you to be a part of that and then understand why I loved it so much, and then to hear about how, you know, I'm being invited back for another show, different lineup, you know, different, you know, crew and whatnot, you was it was one of those moments where you were just as excited as I was because you knew how ex like how important it was to me. And we shared the excitement.

SPEAKER_01 27:53

And I don't I hope this doesn't sound in any kind of way like selfish. It didn't feel like it was my moment, but it definitely felt like it was our moment. Like it was a moment for our shared moment. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:05

It was a shared moment because it was it was uh hey, you get to see me in my like raw element in like in my favorite types of venues, like because because that's that's more sh like those those are. I could tell. I could tell. Yeah, we shared we sh we shared the uh excitement about the situation, and uh it's it that was really important. We celebrate each other's wins. That's a sign of a good partnership, right?

SPEAKER_01 28:32

Because why why wouldn't we?

SPEAKER_02 28:35

Right.

SPEAKER_01 28:35

You celebrate my wins with me.

SPEAKER_02 28:37

Absolutely.

Clear Check‑Ins And Repair Over Apologies

SPEAKER_01 28:38

So, like, why why wouldn't I? It's a big deal to you. It's a big deal to me. And it feels good for like that it felt good for me to celebrate that. Right. Thank you for the recognition. I appreciate that too. But like it felt really good to fucking celebrate that with you. Like, I we were right there. Any more green flags, clear communication, yeah. Talking about it, checking in, right, being aware of your surroundings and especially new surroundings in a relationship with someone else. Especially good to to check in as far as like, hey, how are things? How are you? Because this is a new experience for both of you. So I think the more seamlessly that that is able to be done, it just is a matter of communicating, talking, checking in. How are things? How are you? How am I? How is us? How are we? Maturity, green flag, immaturity, red flag. Holy fuck. And I'm not talking about somebody that makes poop jokes, because poop jokes are fucking hilarious. But we're talking about the immaturity on like an emotional scale or just not able to comprehend that other people exist. Don't do fucking TikTok jokes on your partner. Don't. Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 30:00

Don't oh yeah, that shit's nasty.

SPEAKER_01 30:02

Yeah, here's the thing about pranks, especially the ones that you see on the internet. Oftentimes they are scripted.

SPEAKER_02 30:11

Correct. And the ones that aren't, if everybody thinks it's funny, then it's a prank. But if one person doesn't think that it's funny, then it's not a prank. It's just mean and it's fucking bullshit. Right.

SPEAKER_01 30:21

Right. And sometimes assault. So stop that. And I I think that's another really good green flag, is when something happens within the relationship, maybe any kind of rocky waters. If that person is coming to you quickly and urgently with intention of repair, like co-repair, yes. That doesn't look like flowers every time they fuck up. Right. It doesn't look like oh, I'm sorry you feel that way. It also doesn't look like I'm sorry without any changed behavior.

Growth Together Vs Stagnation

SPEAKER_02 31:02

Ooh, yes. Oh yes. Yeah. Watch out, yeah. Yeah, doing doing things when you set a boundary, then pushing the boundary, saying sorry, and then continues to do it. That's red flags, that's red flags. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:17

And especially like if you set your boundaries early within a relationship and somebody thinks it's okay to push them even once, it how many other times are they gonna try and push your boundaries? Right. Like how many other times are they going to like because sometimes I feel like for some people that's a fucking kink. Like just irritating people. Like just just fucking digging the knife in and just twisting it a little bit. Like, oh, okay. You said that, you know, Sunday is your day that we're all gonna be together. I'm gonna make plans with the boys. Right. But it's but it's but we but but but but Right, but I told you it was no problem, but now every fucking Sunday I'm making plans with the boys, and now my plans with the boys are going later and later and later. Right.

SPEAKER_02 32:10

Especially after you said Sundays are for a couple.

SPEAKER_01 32:12

Right. And I agreed to it. That's not to say that.

SPEAKER_02 32:16

Not us personally, but that's not to say that, you know, that hey, this actually came up. I know that, you know, these are the you know, these are are typically our day. I was wondering how you were feeling, if, you know, mayhaps this. Because if it's a one-off thing. But if it's a again and again and again after it's been a one-off fucking thing, right there, that's a fucking like they're trying to fucking break that Sunday fun day with you.

SPEAKER_01 32:39

Right. And either for the sheer pleasure of irritating you or because they don't care.

SPEAKER_02 32:46

Right.

SPEAKER_01 32:46

And you've made it clear what you care about, and they're making it clear that they don't care.

SPEAKER_02 32:50

Right.

SPEAKER_01 32:51

You asked for clarity, sis. Don't be afraid to speak up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:56

Don't be afraid to speak up. I think a lot of times that you know, because I know that I know that even trying to like flirt with a woman can be kind of uh nerve-wracking and whatnot.

SPEAKER_00 33:04

So when that's a whole episode itself.

SPEAKER_02 33:07

Right, exactly. And we will we will dive into that. But babes, don't be afraid to speak up when you see those red flags. Say, hey, I've noticed this about your behavior. I would like to have a conversation as such. And they're either gonna get defensive, which there's your answer, or they're gonna listen and engage in this conversation and there will be some sort of resolution because of it.

SPEAKER_01 33:31

Right. It's almost like you can gauge simply by every response that your partner gives. Are they handing red flags or green flags? Right. Honestly, every choice. Because, like, the more and more I'm talking about this and I'm reflecting on our own relationship, and I'm even just thinking about now, we we validate each other, we support each other, we also are very independent in the sense that we understand, babe, when it comes to me, ev like everything that I do has to involve me at its core, otherwise, you're not gonna have a wife anymore. And it's because the person that I would become is not the person I am now. Right. Because that's a whole different footing and trajectory, and I ain't about that shit. Right. So here I go. For sure, I am gonna change, I am gonna grow. Right. But also the change and growth that I have shown and clearly established within the relationship is the same growth that I it's the same kind, like that's how I do it.

SPEAKER_02 34:42

Green flags being understanding that people grow, yeah, and you grow with them, or they grow without you. Red flag is well, you change too much. You you've y well, okay, so right there that shows that you're stagnant. That shows that you're unwilling to watch somebody flourish and grow because you yourself have like you're like, no, this is who I am, and I'm stuck doing my own thing. Like, you can level up. I don't care where you are in life, everybody has the potential to level up and do something bigger, better than before. And if you're living in that comfortability comfortability while your partner is constantly leveling up, don't you dare try to hold them fucking back. That's a red flag.

SPEAKER_01 35:21

Right. Because either that person severely outgrows you, or they are severely malnourished and they're stunted. And then, like, that's like killing someone's soul. And how dare you, you know?

SPEAKER_02 35:41

And the thing is, it's like you won't feel like you're getting left behind if you're growing with them.

SPEAKER_01 35:45

That's correct. That's correct. I I have watched both of us almost like a step machine, is kind of what it what it feels like. Is like we're we're doing the things. And that came from us focusing on ourselves. Correct. Like I I have also witnessed that when I don't take care of myself, I can't be in sync. I can't I can't move with another person because I'm I'm I'm again I'm malnourished, I'm not well taken care of, or I'm needing something that I'm not giving myself. Right. And I always like to point that out too. I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_02 36:32

Hey babe, these are things that I've noticed. Just wanted to check in and see if, you know, s any things have changed, or if there's you know, just wanted to let you know that I've noticed that you started to not like the things that you were once interested in. And if you would like to talk about it, let me know. And if you would like more time, more space, so you can feel like you have more time to do these things, let me know because I'm here for that because I myself have to do the things. So mutually practicing is a good thing. Green flags all day is that if you're if your partner's chucking in being like, hey, I've noticed this.

SPEAKER_01 37:06

Yeah. I think another green flag is is along the lines of parallel play. Kind of how you were talking about mutual play, mutual music time. That really feels like and sounds like the same thing as parallel play. Where it's it's two people sitting in a room, they're fucking around on their phones or doing whatever they're doing, charging independently, but also close by. Right. And that it does good things for the soul.

SPEAKER_03 37:37

Right.

SPEAKER_01 37:37

That is good stuff. So I think the same is true if we apply that to hobbies. Like Aaron and I are both independent artists, work from home, CEOs, bad bitches, all the shit, all the coolness.

SPEAKER_02 37:51

Music related?

SPEAKER_01 37:52

Yes. And in order for that to flourish, being our own boss can be time consuming, and I think we do a great job of balancing.

SPEAKER_02 38:07

Yeah, yeah, work, play, rest, relationship.

SPEAKER_01 38:10

Yep. And I think like those four legs are so important. Can the table stand with three? Sure it can. It'll it may wobble and it could tip over. But it definitely is not standing with two. Which is why it's irresponsible for any relationship to come at it 50%, 50%, or with the expectation of one person to carry the bulk, the most, all any but that's also not to say that hey, your partner's feeling some type of way right now. Right. Because so lessons happen.

Therapy Help And Being A Partner

SPEAKER_02 38:49

Right. So and that's the thing. Clear communication. So then that way your partner is aware what you're feeling, so that they know that right now you're not feeling your best. And right now, your 100% looks like this. And they understand and are aware of that situation. Because if they're not fucking aware, then that's where the resentment comes in. Yeah, and I I think that's a really, really good point. Clear communication on how when you're like if your 100% is not as normal as like let's say you're in a funk. You gotta communicate that to your partner, be like, hey, this is what my 100% now looks like. Right. So that they know so that they're not thinking that you know that you're not in it. They gotta be aware. Right. Because it keeps everybody on the same goddamn page in the same fucking paragraph in the fucking same fucking book. Right.

SPEAKER_01 39:38

And sometimes that means you need to flex, but it means that you should both be flexing. If there's only flex in one direction, somebody's gonna snap.

SPEAKER_02 39:48

Correct.

SPEAKER_01 39:48

Because you can't be having they can't be carrying all the rocks. Right. That's not fair. We gotta take turns. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:56

And also get your partner help. Get your partner if it if it becomes something, then obviously intervention needs to happen, help needs to happen. And guess what? That is, that's a green flag. Right.

SPEAKER_01 40:07

Just because you can be a partner, but you can't be a therapist. That's correct. That's correct. And being a partner looks like maybe getting some names and numbers for therapists. Like also understand HIPAA laws and their existence.

SPEAKER_03 40:21

Right.

SPEAKER_01 40:22

But it can look like, hey, I'll sit right next to you and hold your hand, you know, while you make the phone call if phone calls are hard and scary. Right. Like you can be a partner, you don't have to be a therapist.

SPEAKER_02 40:33

And don't be ashamed of it, because it's it's okay. Yeah. It's okay.

SPEAKER_01 40:37

Yeah. Do we have any questions for our listeners?

Listener Questions And Closing

SPEAKER_02 40:42

Yeah. How many red flags have you let pass by? Just for the sake of the person that you're attempting a relationship with. What were some major red flags that you shouldn't have let fly?

SPEAKER_03 40:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:55

Let us know. Yeah. And whether you recognize them then or not. There's no uh no judgment. We just scoop ice cream. But uh, we want to know. Let's let us know. Yeah, send us an email. Touch the show. Yeah. And until next time, stay.

SPEAKER_02 41:13

Stay clearly communicating.

SPEAKER_01 41:17

Stay supportive. Support me, though. Stay clearly committed.