Grief and Love as Companions (S3 E10)

We unpack the difference between pain and suffering, why “time heals all wounds” misses the mark, and how love transforms loss instead of writing over it. You’ll hear about delayed grief and the role of being the family “rock,” the moments when sorrow arrives out of nowhere, and the quiet relief of saying “I’ve been through something similar” without hijacking someone else’s mourning. Along the way, we talk about daily micro-losses—misplaced pens, missed chances—as the practice that prepares us for the big goodbyes.

#griefandloss #healing #transformation

Chapters

• 0:00 Cold Open And Welcome
• 0:32 Grief And Joy As Companions
• 1:35 Memories As A Bridge To Joy
• 2:54 Slippers, Cards, And Keeping Her Close
• 4:12 Festival Friendships And Legacy
• 7:06 Letting Humor Breathe In Mourning
• 8:37 Love Transforms Loss
• 10:55 Delayed Grief And Being The Rock
• 13:41 Everyday Letting Go And Small Losses
• 17:05 Caterpillars, Change, And Identity
• 20:44 Butterfly Conservatory Red Flags
• 22:34 Listener Question And Closing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hey Aaron. Yes, Cory. There's a nun taking a bath and she hears a knock at the door. She says Who is it? And he says Yeah, it's the blind guy. And she says, Oh well come in. And he says, Nice tits, where you want these blinds?

SPEAKER_01: 0:32

Hello and welcome to the QCP, your go-to podcast for relationship advice, thriving through the human experience, and expressing joy and whimsy in a time of bullfuckery. I'm Aaron.

SPEAKER_00: 0:45

And I'm Corey. Welcome, QC fam. We are talking about grief and love as companions, their coexistence and the transformations that take place as we experience them throughout life. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 1:03

It's a tricky thing, isn't it? Grief. Oi. Yeah. It's uh sorrow. It comes and goes, and sometimes grief just seems to pop out of nowhere, right? Yeah. It can feel painful. It can feel like you're literally falling apart inside.

SPEAKER_00: 1:18

Yep. And sometimes when things feel like they're falling apart, it's because they're actually falling into place. And that doesn't make the crumbling any less painful, though. Right.

SPEAKER_01: 1:31

And uh So I have to I want to ask you, Corey. Yeah. How do you make space for grief without losing your joy?

SPEAKER_00: 1:39

Ooh, for me, a lot of that is in the memories. So, for example, I promised my grandmother that I would keep her meatball recipe alive and well in this life. And I think about my grandmother when I'm cooking and baking, whether it's the meatballs or something else. But it's it's honestly, it's like whatever I'm making, I can feel her helping. And it's like she's helping it to m taste the very best. Right. And so I share stories of her, and I I share the joy that I felt in the memory from then in the now, and it's bringing light into darkness. So maybe she won't answer the phone if I call the phone number that she had for fifty years. But I know that I don't need to call her because she's here, she's with me. I choose to cherish the joyful and happy memories, and I get to share them. And uh 'tis that season and 'tis that time of year. So uh here's a fun little holiday-related story for you all about my grandmother. Uh one year for Christmas, grandma bought me a pair of slippers, and I had these and wore them for years, and I think that they uh got shuffled and lost in the divorce, because I'm not certain where they are now. However, she had gotten them from a department store in the area, and the slippers ended up being two different sizes and both left feet, and they were my favorite fucking slippers.

SPEAKER_01: 3:30

That is amazing. Uh-huh. I love that.

SPEAKER_00: 3:32

And I think that was the same year that she wrote in my Christmas card upside down. Oh, I love I love that kind of shit. Yeah, and she even wrote in it, she's like, oops, I wrote upside down. And like, it's the most, and I know I got that card here somewhere. It's the most like fourth wall break. It just it feels so human. And it's I love those things.

SPEAKER_01: 3:56

Yeah, I love that. I love those little things, and I do agree with you. I um I too also make space for grief without losing joy by the memories, the uh stories that we tell, and that's how we keep them alive. So I have um I had a friend that passed away, and one of the stories that me and my one friend we always tell is that the way we met this friend was um I had just played at this festival and it was an out-of-state festival, and this person um didn't have a ride back into the city. So I, you know, we we buffered, we're like, yeah, you hop in, we're going that way, you can come, you can come ride with us. So they, you know, we just met this person. And we're driving out in the cut, because this was in a different state that we were um that the festival was at. We were out in the cut in the middle of nowhere, driving back to the city, and I was just being myself being being the silly person that I am, and I was like, Can you believe this kid? He actually just got in our car and he didn't know anything about us. Like, what if we were serial killers? Like, right now, I could just be chopping him up into like little tiny pieces and just throwing it out all over the place, and nobody would even fucking know anything about it. And that's when he kind of woke up and he heard what was going on. He was like, yo, what the fuck? Stop the car. I was like, God, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. Like, I'm just fucking around with you. Like, it's it's it's a joke. But that was how our uh friendship solidified, and we always like to tell that story how we met that particular friend. And here so here's another story. So um, same person, and I had we the festival was over, and um my face was just beat fucking red. It was time to get the fuck out of there. We spent three days there. I'm ready to go the fuck home. So we have everything packed, everything's ready to go, except for my friends. And he's just kind of dilly-dallying and whatnot. And I was just like, look, you gotta get get him to pack up and like we gotta go. And he walked over to the car and he's like, Aaron, are you mad at me? And I was like, No, I'm not mad at you, dude. I just really need to take a fucking shit. So we gotta go. Right. And he was like, Are you fucking serious? I'm like, yeah, dude, I'm not mad at you. We just need to go. And he's like, Oh my god, this motherfucker got his shit together so fucking quick. And like, we have and there's so many stories of like us at like festivals and shit, because we would like we did that a lot. Like, we went to festivals together a lot and like we hung out, you know, with at those times. So we have uh we have a lot of uh of those kind of stories, if you will. I don't even know why I said if you will, but we have a lot of those, uh we have a lot of those fun stories, so definitely keep his memory alive.

SPEAKER_00: 6:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 6:43

With that. Because he's he was he's a really funny fucking dude, and I know wherever he is, I know that he's doing well and he's having a great fucking time. I'm almost like I'm certain of it just because of the person he is. I love that.

SPEAKER_00: 6:56

That's there's a lot of comfort in that. And I think in addition to the memories that we have, our our active thoughts play just as much of a role. Being able to think about, you know, I mean, of course, there there are days where grief just kind of like sweeps me off my feet, and for an unbeknownst reason to myself, I feel overcome with grief, and you know, it's either tied to missing somebody who has passed, or maybe I've been assigned the grief of a stranger. Like that's such a beautiful thing. Um because why not? And in either case, I think it's it's a beautiful thing to think about them in their best space. Because why wouldn't they be? Right. Because why wouldn't they be? Right, you know? Like I know my grandmother is doing well. I know that she is playing slots. She's playing the slots, and she's doing real fucking good at them too. Like penny slots.

SPEAKER_01: 8:10

Yeah. I that's that's the one thing is I have um I know that all of the uh all of the people that in my life that have past, um, friends, relatives, um I do have memories and I do have stories, and I speak of them very fondly. Um just because that that that's where it is in my life now. You know, that's how that's how I continue to grieve.

SPEAKER_00: 8:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 8:40

That's that's just where my grieving is, is by just telling these stories. And for those who like have heard the stories over and over and over again, they still tell their stories over and over again because it's it's just the memory of the person.

SPEAKER_00: 8:54

Yeah, you know, and then that's yeah. Like that's that's part of the experience is is being able to share what we've been through. And I I used to feel bad for being like, oh my god, me too. I have I have a relatable situation. And it's it is a relatable situation simply in the sense that we are all connected, so I can understand similar emotions and similar experiences, which helps me feel connected to you. I'm not trying to fucking overshadow you by sharing the things and being like, oh look, we have something in common. I I also have a friend who passed, or you know, I also have, you know, whatever family member. You know what I'm getting at?

SPEAKER_01: 9:36

Yeah, I feel you. I do feel that there's I feel that there are certain times where, you know, I think like especially when someone's grieving, I don't I try not to explain how I know. I just say I've been through similar and I understand. So because then that way it's not taking away from their grieving process because it to me it seems like it's just kind of you know, because it we don't mean to do that, but also it ta it kind of like it um it's I don't want to say devalue, what's the word I'm looking for?

SPEAKER_00: 10:09

It it definitely pulls away from their grieving. Yeah, it it did it at least takes the spotlight. Right, right. You know what I mean? Like and and shifts it in a more central location, or you know what I mean, like in a different direction, but yeah. To be able to I I like what you said. I like the I've been through similar experiences or I have had a similar experience.

SPEAKER_01: 10:39

And then like later on when they're at a better point of their grieving process, maybe then you could, you know, in reflection, talk about your experience and why it their experience, you know, that you felt very compelled to like be there for them and whatnot. Yeah. I think that uh I think that that's it it's important because it doesn't dismiss what they're feeling.

SPEAKER_00: 11:00

Yeah, and I I like that that it's it that feels more of a cohabitated grieving because if that's my friend that has come to me um and that's you know that's talking about the situation, I want to help them feel peace and joy. Because we can still feel peace and joy even when there's grief. Right. And you don't have to feel bad about it either. I am the asshole that is laughing at a funeral because why not? I'm still a human being having a human being experience, and I choose to have a joyful one. Right. So I'm gonna tell you a few jokes. Yes, the blind guy. Anyway. That's because life is too short to get caught in the grief. Like the cause you can get stuck there. Right. You know what I mean? Like like that horse in the mud of the never-ending story. Right, right. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01: 12:05

We're just Yeah, that's and and it's okay to be there. Right. Just don't allow it to become a wallow.

SPEAKER_00: 12:14

Right. You don't have to stay there.

SPEAKER_01: 12:17

Right.

SPEAKER_00: 12:17

And you know that saying that time heals all wounds. I first of all, I don't agree with that statement. Um however, I I do think that something does happen there. Do you think that love transforms or does it write over loss?

SPEAKER_01: 12:40

I think it transforms it. Absolutely. I don't think that it writes over it. I do think that it transforms it. Just like with anything. You know, that energy goes somewhere. So I um I feel that pain is temporary and suffering suffering is optional. For sure. So grief can show up with friends and it doesn't have to become a roommate. Yeah. You know? And grief, sorrow, loss, they're all part of the human experience. And I truly feel that we should allow them to be teachers. Because they are. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 13:12

So and I I uh in pondering these, I've I've kind of come to this conclusion that grief is a proof of love and not its opposite. And I think that's a really cool thing because whenever we talk about it transforming rather than writing over, which is it's it it seems like it just it makes sense. Like how how do you see that in the experiences that you've had?

SPEAKER_01: 13:57

I know that in my life grief has always come with some sort of transformation. I know that some like every time there has been loss in my life, transformation follows. Every single time, never fails.

SPEAKER_00: 14:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 14:14

And whether it's um transformation of myself, transformation of how I view the situation, or how I'm grieving at that moment in time. So I know that um when my father passed, I had delayed grief. So I was the only person at my dad's funeral that did not cry. Right. And I hadn't grieved until months afterwards, but it was because I was holding all my family up. Right. Because they were they were beyond devastated. It was a big, big, huge thing. And you know, being the uh being the rockland I was har haring. Right. I wanted um at that time I wanted to be there for my family in the best way possible. And at that moment in time, I was still in such shock that I was not able to emotionally grieve, so I assumed the role of, you know, family rock.

SPEAKER_00: 15:16

So do you think not to make this about that, um, however, just simply questioning in in the observation of your own grief in the kind of delaying it, is is how you said.

SPEAKER_01: 15:34

Um Well, I mean, I didn't purposely delay it, it was just delayed.

SPEAKER_00: 15:38

Right.

SPEAKER_01: 15:38

Because I was I was just in shock. Yeah. Like so. It wasn't that I purposely said, Oh, I'm gonna hold off on this until you know. It was literally there was I was just in shock over the whole thing that there was no grieving happening at that moment in time because I was still in disbelief. Right. So and when I kind of realized that's what was happening, that's when I assumed the role of rock. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Yeah, absolutely. I appreciate you. Yeah. I I did I did grieve. You know. It did not come it did not come for a while. Yeah. But it uh eventually I did do my own grieving.

SPEAKER_00: 16:25

I think grieving not only looks individual on every individual basis, I think it's also going to be something that that is is kind of just like a an ongoing experience that we have. Right. You know, because there's always going to be some situation in which, quote, loss has occurred. Right. You can't find your pen, or you bought a lottery ticket and it did not have a return like you had hoped it would, you know, and neither did the other 74 or whatever. And what I'm saying is we learn to let go. That was so roundabout, I apologize.

SPEAKER_01: 17:19

Hey, no worries, no worries.

SPEAKER_00: 17:20

No worries.

SPEAKER_01: 17:21

I was trying to wrap it up neatly, but then I was like, grieving is actually an important day-to-day thing that happens uh in my life. Every morning when I wake up, I grieve. I grieve the person that I'm no longer from yesterday.

SPEAKER_00: 17:37

Is that why it's called mourning? Maybe. Grieve the person that you fell asleep as. And greet the day with grand risings.

SPEAKER_01: 17:50

Yes. Because I I am aware that the person that I was yesterday is not the person that I am today. So grieving is a continued process in my life. Which I know sounds probably sounds weird to a lot of people, but yeah. I uh You know, I celebrate the person that I was yesterday, and I am excited to be the person that I am today, and then the next day, and then the next day.

SPEAKER_00: 18:17

Right. So because grief can also involve I kind of think about like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.

SPEAKER_01: 18:28

It doesn't fucking know it's gonna do that. There yeah, that not a fucking clue. Any caterpillar doctors or fucking scientists anybody know out there? Caterpillar doctors. Anyone yeah, fuck it. Yeah. I I said scientists. Yeah, anybody out there that gets uh because as far as I know, from my uh my uh my peanut brain, that uh that they have no idea that they're like getting ready to like turn into a liquid fucking mush and then just like emerge a butterfly. Right.

SPEAKER_00: 18:58

Like and I would imagine if there is Why am I building this cocoon?

SPEAKER_01: 19:02

I don't fucking know, I'm just building myself a sleeping bag.

SPEAKER_00: 19:06

And I don't know. I kinda like to think about uh butterflies as sentient creatures who have thought patterns much like we do, because I don't know why not.

SPEAKER_01: 19:18

Right.

SPEAKER_00: 19:19

Who says they don't? Right. And these butterflies, I would imagine they would be a grieving process. What if they don't know that they were a caterpillar?

SPEAKER_01: 19:31

Oh what if they had no idea that they were a caterpillar and they just emerge out of the cocoon like, oh my god yeah, I got wings, bitch! Yeah, but projecting green. Because think about it, it's a solo, it's a solo thing. It's not like a butterfly like lays babies and then like well, I mean, obviously, you know a butterfly's process of from a worm to a cocoon, it's solo, right? Right. So it's not like that they are like, hey mom, like oh shit. No, it's just like they're emerge from the cocoon, like, bitch. Look at my wings. Right. Like do they have a mom butterfly like fluttering around being like, Oh wow, I'm so proud of you. Look at how well you did, blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_00: 20:08

And do you think there's a butterfly that tells the caterpillars? I used to be just like you.

SPEAKER_01: 20:13

Right. Right. Oh, what a mind trip. I don't know. That's why. Butterflies are glorious and I love them. Yeah, flutterbys.

SPEAKER_00: 20:25

Flutterboys. Schmetterling. Schmetterling.

SPEAKER_01: 20:30

That's butterfly in German. Krankenwagen is ambulance. You're gonna say something about butterflies?

SPEAKER_00: 20:38

I don't think so. Oh, okay. I just love them so much.

SPEAKER_01: 20:41

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00: 20:42

Oh, one time? Here's a fun story about a person I dated. We went to a butterfly conservatory. A fucking conservatory, you know, where they're in charge of these butterflies and keeping them safe. And uh he did not like the butterflies landing on him. No, no. Uh-huh. No.

SPEAKER_01: 21:12

Did this dumbass fucking squish a butterfly?

SPEAKER_00: 21:14

No, he like he swatted at him, but like.

SPEAKER_01: 21:16

Oh my god, you fucking idiot. Like, I thought we were gonna get kicked away.

SPEAKER_00: 21:20

Whose idea was it to go there? Mine. I like butterflies. Yeah. I didn't know that I didn't know it was gonna be like that. I honestly douche. I didn't even know that. Yeah, that right there, that was the red flag. Yeah, looking back, I should have known. Somebody that that doesn't I mean, it's a butterfly, bruh. Let it land on you. That's the most magical gift from the universe. I don't like it. I don't like bugs landing on me. You're a bug, dude.

SPEAKER_01: 21:49

Ugh. Let me guess. You don't even put your own worm on the fishing hook, do you? Sorry, I don't know who this is about it, but if they listen, I'm judging you. Swatten of butterflies. And they know who they are. I don't think there are devils. I'm judging you. You never know. Fucking ball sack. Fucking butterflies. Sensitive. So sensitive. Don't want bugs landing on me. Swat away the butterflies. Yeah, total ball sack. Total ball sack move. Yeah. So on that note. Do we have a question for our listeners? Oh yeah. Yeah. Do you view grief and love as companions? Why or why not? Yeah. Yeah. Stay bold. Stay beautiful. And stay quietly committed. Bye.

SPEAKER_00: 22:46

Thanks. Thanks for listening.

SPEAKER_01: 22:49

Waves.

unknown: 22:50

Waves at the microphone.