When Did You Know?

Two people who were perfectly content being single walk into a conversation and stumble into something undeniable: clear alignment, unforced depth, and a joy that didn’t fade when the room got quiet. We unpack how high standards—no lies, no cheating, clear boundaries, reciprocity—didn’t make love harder to find; they made it obvious when it arrived. From hours of wordless eye contact to laughing at our own weirdness, we show how intimacy grows when authenticity is non-negotiable.

We also confront the hard questions most couples dodge. Were we love-bombing or love-bonding? How do you test intensity without collapsing into fantasy or panic? 

If this resonates, follow the show, share it with someone who needs new language for love, and leave a quick review telling us your top green flag. What does love mean to you?

Chapters

• 0:00 Cold Open & Welcome To QCP
• 0:32 Today’s Big Question: Why Marry?
• 2:20 From High Standards To Honest Alignment
• 4:10 Depth Over Surface: Philosophical Chemistry
• 5:10 The 13-Hour Eye Contact Moment
• 7:30 Radical Authenticity And No Masks
• 9:20 Must-Haves: Boundaries, Honesty, Reciprocity
• 12:15 Doubts, Self‑Sabotage, And Looking Inward
• 15:30 Love Bombing Or Real Bonding?
• 19:20 Green Flags And Therapist Sanity Checks
• 22:40 Family Integration And Feeling Like Home
• 26:00 Do Soulmates Exist? Defining “The One”
• 30:00 Conflict Skills: Pause, Recenter, Repair
• 34:20 Marriage Myths, Freedom, And Teamwork
• 37:20 Second Chances At Marriage And Coming Out
• 40:00 Dating Vs Marriage: Intent And Paper
• 40:13 Stay Wild, Whimsical, And Queerly Committed

Transcript

SPEAKER_03: 0:00

Just ripping about deja and not even realizing there's people behind you.

SPEAKER_02: 0:04

Is this thing on? Ah It is in fact on. Oh good. Yes. We've recording. Yes. Oh fuck. Alright.

SPEAKER_03: 0:13

Sadie's uh snoring very loud.

SPEAKER_02: 0:15

Yeah, she is so loud right now.

SPEAKER_03: 0:17

I think it's okay though. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's good. It's good.

SPEAKER_05: 0:20

Yeah, you know what? It is good because that's what we're working with. Fucking.

SPEAKER_03: 0:24

So uh you ready? You ready to go? I'm ready to go. Let's break this motherfucker up. Yay! Hey oh, welcome back to QCP, where we dodge, dip, duck, dive, and dodge negativity and bullshit. I'm Erin.

SPEAKER_05: 0:41

And I'm Corey. That's right. If you're new here, welcome to the QC fam. Erin is my wife. My wife. And we are the hosts of Queerly Committed. We bring you the messy, raw truth about relationships, communication, with a queer commitment to sharing it with you through all of this life's weird and wild. What are we talking about today, my love? How did you know? Honestly, I didn't. I was in my fucking thirties when I began exploring intimate relationships with women. Honestly, it really wasn't.

SPEAKER_03: 1:21

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not that, not that. How did you know that you wanted to marry me? Oh shit.

SPEAKER_05: 1:30

Alright. Well, I'm so happy to tell you. I knew early, I did. Our conversations, whenever we met, the alignment that seemed so perfect that myself must have created it. And I did. I did. Because as we talked about in our last episode, we were talking about perfection does not exist. And I know that I said that I still believe and stay and firmly how do you are perfect for me. Right. And in that, it is because you meet all of the things that I wanted and needed in the world. You checked all your boxes. Yeah, sure the fuck did. It was honestly, it was unmistakable perfection in its own way. And I could feel it. A genuine pure happiness within myself that lit up. Happiness that doesn't go away when you aren't around. Sure, I miss the absolute fuck out of you whenever we aren't together. I love being like, hey babe, check this out. Or, you know, just chit-chatin, our funny bullshit that we talk about. We talk about everything, nothing, and all the in-between. Yeah. And I just love being together. It's my favorite. And also, like, this relationship has awakened a part of myself that will not go back to sleep. She refuses. It's like I was I was at the point where I had I had agreed with myself that I I was okay with being alone. I was so fucking okay with all of that.

SPEAKER_03: 3:15

I was also at the same point in my life. I was totally happy being single. I was prepared for it. Just because I already, like I said in the last episode, I my standards are pretty goddamn high after the shit that I went through. And I wasn't gonna be accepting anything less. And I recognize that my standards, it could very well be out of reach for a lot of fucking people. And I would rather be by myself than be with somebody that's not where it's at.

SPEAKER_05: 3:42

Right. I'll tell you what, I'm five foot two on a good day if I'm standing up straight and all my bones are in alignment, and I meet those expectations. They are high.

SPEAKER_03: 3:51

You did meet my expectations. It was nice to just be brutally fucking honest.

SPEAKER_04: 3:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 3:57

You know? The the genuine connection that we had when we were talking was really nice because it wasn't like it wasn't like right off the bat. It was not like raunch at all. It was serious conversations.

SPEAKER_04: 4:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 4:09

And it was intelligent, serious conversations. And I appreciated the shit out of that because I'm a deep thinker, and there's just not very many people that I have come across that can have the kind of conversations that I crave. And for those things to be met absolutely, and just so happens, like, hey, reading the same kind of literature and shit, and like it's like looking into the same fucking things, and we're just like we were able to discuss like a lot the meaning of life, if you will.

SPEAKER_05: 4:40

Yeah, like we were deeper than we have the same favorite color.

SPEAKER_03: 4:44

No, it was nice it was nice to have deep philosophical conversations with somebody that was on that level. Yeah, it was very, very fucking nice because that's it was it was a very rare thing.

SPEAKER_05: 4:56

Like we go deep and we stay deep.

SPEAKER_03: 4:58

Oh yeah. But we keep the whimsy with it.

SPEAKER_05: 5:00

Oh, absolutely. Like, because you can go below the surface without breaking who you are.

SPEAKER_01: 5:09

Right.

SPEAKER_05: 5:10

And I think that's a really cool thing. Yeah. Like there was a there was a day where we spent, I think, 12, 13 hours just staring into each other's eyes.

SPEAKER_03: 5:19

That was crazy.

SPEAKER_05: 5:20

Like I've I've never had I I think that was the most eye contact I had experienced probably in the majority of my life.

SPEAKER_03: 5:33

That was it was extremely profound. It was so intimate. It was and we didn't we weren't saying anything. Not a word, we weren't saying anything. We weren't like, we weren't making out or anything, like literally staring into each other's eyes. Like just looking into the window of the fucking soul. And like I felt like I learned a lot about you, even though no words were fucking spoken. Yeah. It was it was incredible. It was uh yeah, yeah. It was I'd never I had never fucking gazed into someone's eyes like that for hours. And like when we say like when we say when she's saying 13 hours, she's not exaggerating. It was like literally like eight hours straight.

SPEAKER_05: 6:11

Like there was a point where like I realized so much time had passed that like I was like, yo, I'm like hungry, hungry. I can go, I can go a good period of time without eating. I'm not I'm changing that, don't worry about it. I'm I feed her.

SPEAKER_03: 6:28

I make sure that she eats lunch, breakfast, dinner.

unknown: 6:30

Yeah. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03: 6:32

I make sure I make sure she gets rehydrated. Thanks. Yeah, you're welcome. I was in it. I'm just having fun with it. That's all I'm talking about. I'm just having fun. Okay. I'm not asking you to not be you. As a matter of fact, I think I told you be yourself. And you're like, you don't want that. I'm like, yeah, I do. I want you to be your authentic self. If you're a gremlin, then be the fucking gremlin. Be your fucking weird self. I'm not here to judge. I just scoop ice cream. You don't think that I'm not my fucking self? I'm myself, and I don't give one fuck. You're like, if I I let that loose, I can put that back in. I'm like, well then let it loose. Be weird. Be weird with me. I know you're I know you're fucking quirky. I can then see it. Yep. And then never put it back. Nope. And it's great, because we now we have a great fucking time. Yeah. Cause I was just like, I like don't do masks. I don't do masks. What you see is what you get. I am who I say I am. And yeah, that's about that. We've we've talked about that before. People wearing masks, and then you wonder why the relationship doesn't work, bitch, because you were pretending to be somebody else. Right. So I'm like, take off the masks, show me who you are, and uh let's have fun. Let's get cheeky with it. But yeah, um, we talked in the last episode about the idea of perfection and the perfect partner, and I had a list. A list of must-haves and a partner. Things like clear established boundaries, no lying, no cheat, no stealing. And and it's it's it's kind of fucking sad that like that would be I even have to be on the fucking thing. Brutal honesty is something that I value so much. You can tell me the worst fucking shit in the world, but as long as you're honest about it, I'm not gonna get pissed. I can't because it takes balls to be honest. So like that's my that's a must-have. It's brutal fucking honesty. I love brutal honesty. Very simple. Simple person. Be responsible, yeah, be mindful, be you. The most important thing is just be yourself, communicate, clear communication, queer communication. Like, yeah, my idea partner is somebody who doesn't like cheat, lie, cheat, steal, somebody who's reciprocal, someone that I don't have to put myself on the back burner for, someone I can grow together with, and uh we're just top-tier shit. Like we have basically if I could clone myself, right? If I could clone myself, that would be great. And uh people told me to lower my expectations. Well, they were just like, Do you think that maybe the things you're asking for are unrealistic? And I'm like, well, I mean, now that you put it that way, and considering like the luck I've had, uh You're like, it would appear as such, wouldn't it? Right. And I was like, but I'm not gonna lower my standards. If anything, I'm just gonna be by myself. I'd rather be by myself than have to go through dumb shit again. Because I don't I'm not I don't want to do that.

SPEAKER_05: 9:25

We've we've experienced enough to understand what we did not want.

SPEAKER_01: 9:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 9:32

And that helped us to see what we do want. Because as we continue to grow in experience, we we start to understand that maybe there were things on our list that weren't super important. Or we added things.

SPEAKER_03: 9:49

Yes. Yeah.

unknown: 9:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 9:50

Did you ever have any doubts? I did with myself and my own judgment. I honestly felt like maybe I didn't have a track record that supported how I am sure. Because I've said the words before. I have yelled it so loud that I was happy, that I was in a relationship that I was enjoying, you know, and I just I felt like if I yelled it loud enough, maybe somebody would believe it, and mostly myself. And I don't need to aggressively display my happiness. Right. My happiness is aggressively displayed because you cannot miss it. It's there. I really did just have to step back from myself, and that was whenever I told you I wasn't going to be able to feel it in our relationship. And I was like, you know, as much as I really love the you love me and all this stuff, I'm just honestly, I just don't think I'm gonna feel it. Like, I'll never feel your love. Yeah, like okay. I just don't think I'm gonna feel it. Now, like uh first of all, I don't actually believe that that was true. Uh I don't think it was either. Yeah. I do genuinely believe that when I said that it I believe that to be a self-sabotaging attempt. Right. To which you met me with, all right, well, you called me, so uh figure it out. I was like, okay. Didn't you hear me? I said I'm not gonna feel it.

SPEAKER_03: 11:31

I'm like, all right, well, I still I'm still gonna do it.

SPEAKER_05: 11:35

Right. And you were like, I suggest you look inward. And honestly, it was said in a very, very, very kind, gentle, patient, partner relationship appropriate way. Yeah. And also, that's the gist of it, is hey, look inward and uh figure it out. Let me know.

SPEAKER_04: 11:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 11:54

When I did some reflection, I realized that my doubts grew from my own disbelief about my happiness. I questioned whether it could really happen, and I questioned whether or not I had had enough. Because I was like, well, the happiness is so good, there's gotta be a limit. There's gotta be a limit to the happiness. Like it's something that you should restrict from your diet.

SPEAKER_03: 12:21

The limit does not exist.

SPEAKER_05: 12:23

It does not fucking exist. Have as much fun and happiness as you want, baby. What about you, my love? Did you ever have any doubts?

SPEAKER_03: 12:31

I don't know if I would say doubts, but I definitely peg shit onto the like radar. I was like, okay, so here's the thing. I just want to make certain, like, we're not, you know, love bombing the shit out of each other right now. And I called that out. I was just like, okay, so here's the thing. It's like, I want to bring this up just because I'm so glad you're bringing this. Yeah, I was like, um, I just want to bring this up because I wanna I wanna discuss some because it it has been pretty intense. And I just want to make sure that we're not love bombing the shit out of each other. Because it was less than 36 hours before the L word was was said. I said it by accident. It was like it was a fucking accident. I was like, Sauf fuck. I like I was like, son of a bitch. Because like it w it just it wasn't like I love you. It was like it slipped out in a fucking yeah, and I was just like, oh shit. That's not uh I didn't hear it. Well like well, that's great.

SPEAKER_05: 13:24

So or like not that I didn't hear it. Obviously, I didn't chose to ignore it, but like, no, not that I chose to ignore, but like I know that's not what you meant. I feel like I either I knew what you meant because I know that I said it probably not long after that. I don't know if I recall hearing it is is what I am sh saying. You know what I mean? Like I don't I don't recollect.

SPEAKER_01: 13:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 13:52

And also I'm glad that it was said as early as it was, because I'm telling you that though those fucking 13 hours of soul bonding that we did.

SPEAKER_03: 14:01

Right. Right. It was it was and that was another thing. It was like everything was just very in tune and very aligned. It was almost too good to be true. Yeah, and I that's why I was just like, okay, look, here, are we just love bombing the shit out of each other? Is this like, are we potentially setting ourselves up to put ourselves into a toxic situation? Because I want to put that in check right the fuck now. Let's look at it, let's examine this shit. And I thought that was really fucking important. Because it's like, so is this, is this really or is this something else? Is this like, is this lust? Is this is this limerence? Is this uh infatuation? Is this something, you know, is this just something else? Is it is it silliness or is this something more? So let's keep that on the uh let's keep that on the peripher.

SPEAKER_05: 14:46

Because full transparency, I had just gotten out of a relationship. I was in a relationship that lasted for three weeks that had ended the month prior to you and I meeting. I know it was it also ended before we started speaking. Because like I was with that person. And then some dumb shit happened on their part, and I said, Okay, cool, that's how we're doing it. Well, I'm out skis. So I was like, all right, within within a month of that relationship ending, you and I spent 13 hours soul diving.

SPEAKER_03: 15:23

Right.

SPEAKER_05: 15:23

So like I do understand that it was very quick, and I appreciate our awareness at the time. That's huge, that's massive. Like, cause that shows growth that not only were we not going to tolerate any bullshit on the receiving end, but also we kept ourselves in check and the hey, are we are we okay?

SPEAKER_03: 15:46

Right, or do we need to pump the brakes here? Right. Are we head first down a waterfall right now? Right. And I thought and that was another thing, is that I've I've never done that before. I'm like, I'm I'm like all in, whatever, let's go. But this one I was like, uh, hey, you know what? I um I want to definitely uh keep an eye on this just because I'm not here to fuck around. If like this is gonna be something fucking toxic as fuck, or this could actually be the start of something like really fucking beautiful. There was just something very, very different about it. I didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Because I wanted to believe that it was a good thing, but was I just was I just looking at potential. And that's the other thing, is it's like but I like that's another thing, is I was like, don't put people places where they're not, and that was another thing. It's like face value, I am as I is, and you are as you are. Period. I checked all my fucking feels. I yeah, I kept a lock on the motherfuckers to make sure I knew where they're and I was not diving head steep into bullshit.

SPEAKER_05: 16:49

I appreciate that so so much. Like I remember telling my therapist that I was like, hi, listen, uh, let me tell you about the last two weeks. Here's Erin and We've already talked about whether or not we're love bombing each other. I'm gonna catch you up to speed, but we're gonna go warp speed. Are you ready? Okie doke, hold on.

SPEAKER_03: 17:16

Right.

SPEAKER_05: 17:17

And uh I I think it's good to also not only anchor yourself within your emotions, but also to have a good back spot too. Because a good sounding board is always helpful. I know that you've got your mom that you talk to every day, and I love that.

SPEAKER_03: 17:35

Yeah, it's it's pretty damn cool that you had your you're like you brought your therapist into it. You're just like, all right, so here's the thing.

SPEAKER_05: 17:40

I was like, I know I just got out of a relationship and I know this one's real fresh, and I'm I know we're going real fast.

SPEAKER_03: 17:48

And also These are the steps that we've taken. Right. Here's what we've done. Oh, well, bravo.

SPEAKER_05: 17:53

Right. I watched her immediately flinch as I was telling her all of this, like, brace yourself because we're gonna go fucking warp speed. And then as I told her the like the layout of the land, I was like, we immediately initiated boundaries, expectations. We talked about this. My therapist was like, I think that's really cool that you guys are having that conversation. That's really amazing. And also, do you know what green flags are? Question mark. And I said, What? And then we had that conversation.

SPEAKER_03: 18:33

I was like, oh, things to things to look for, good things. Oh, okay. That was that was pretty refreshing.

SPEAKER_02: 18:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 18:41

Because you know, she's like, actually, this is sounds like the start of a healthy relationship. I just to have a third party like yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 18:49

I just thought of something to add here that like I had mentioned I used to scream my happiness to, you know, like like tell people that I was so happy. I remember with you what another thing, a huge thing for me that felt so different, is that I remember being like, I want to share this joy with my family, and I don't know how they're gonna react. And it was more of like a I'm so excited for them to see how good this is. Right. Like, I don't have to tell them, I just need them to see it, and everything else is gonna be fine. Right. Like, so I after I got to that point of like I want to tell them, I also allowed myself to kind of back up and just enjoy the relationship as us still because my family wasn't ready to hear that. Right, and that's okay, because family also grieves in breakups.

SPEAKER_03: 19:47

I've integrated well with your family. You have, and that's I'm thankful for that. My mom's thankful for that too. Yeah. She's just like, oh my god, is everything good? I'm like, your family seems pretty nice. She's like, Oh my god, my grandma. Mother sent you a birthday card. Yeah. Yeah. She remembered my fucking name. That's wild. I was just like, like, I thought I was gonna get told about Jesus. Right. And ask if I was a Christian. And we were gonna get scolded for sharing a bed. Right, right. Yeah. No, yeah, but she remembered my fucking name and uh came over to say hi. And that was crazy. And yeah, so and we've gone out to gone out to breakfast with your grandparents. I was just like, oh my god. And we've gone out to breakfast, just the four of us. Yeah, that was that was that was like you, me and them. That's that was wild. I was just like, oh shit. No support, no training wheels. Right. I was just like, oh like is this is this a setup like like dad? Are you gonna come? Nope. Nope. I was like, oh god, oh shit. I was just like, so it's just gonna be the four of us?

SPEAKER_02: 20:49

Are you coming? Nope.

SPEAKER_03: 20:51

So it's just the oh shit. So this is like serious. Okay. And it was fine.

SPEAKER_04: 20:57

It was really good.

SPEAKER_03: 20:58

It was it was it was fun. Yeah. It was fun. We had conversations and it was different. And the term soulmate could come off as very generic. And I even said that too. I was like, look, I don't want to sound so cliche. I know that's how it's gonna come off, but it's like, but it really does kind of feel like in that realm because there was just I don't know, there was just something about that connection, you know. And I had never like I don't call people my fucking soulmates, right? Like, because that's just like I believe in soulmate friends. It's a little cringe, right? I believe in soulmate friends, like all day, every day. But to be like, You're my person like that was just that was just not a thing that I just it wasn't a thing I did. And and I'll ask you, what are your thoughts on like the one? Is there the one? You know, because it almost feels like you're kind of trying to find a needle in a haystack, and how how would you even find that, you know? Right. And thinking like just how many fucking people there are, and what are the chances that you would find like that one? Yeah, and that's the thing is I felt like I've known you. Yeah, that was that was wild.

SPEAKER_05: 22:07

I I think yes, absolutely. I I agree. I feel like you and I have done this before. Yeah, this is not our first time here, and it's not our first time together.

SPEAKER_03: 22:20

There's a famili I know that was another thing I said. I was like, there's there's a very there's a familiarity, and I said it felt like home. I was like, and I know how gay that sounds. I was like, I know, I know, I know, like, I know that this is gonna sound really fucking gay. I'm like, but it it feels it feels like home. Yeah, and I Aw here, I'll hold your hand while you say it. Okay, thank you. You're welcome. Oh, she's tearing up.

SPEAKER_05: 22:48

I am, but I always wanted that feeling of home and safety and security. And that started with me. And now it's a home because there's there's so much more warmth because I have a very bright flame and I just know that like we burn hotter together. Yo, if this if this podcast doesn't get nominated for the gayest podcast in the world, I don't know what will. I love you so much, Aaron. I love you. I love you, Corey. Alright, does everybody have their tissues out? We're good now. Also, thanks for holding my hand. That was very sweet. Yeah, absolutely. So, uh to answer your question, if I believe that you are the one, whether or not I believe in the idea of the one, believing that you are has already made it so. You know, so like I'm so gay. It's so gay. So like I didn't necessarily subscribe to the idea of the one, and also there's no denying to me that if anyone were, it's you. So, like, not you in comparison because there is no comparison.

SPEAKER_03: 24:10

Oh, I'm I'm a total league of my own.

SPEAKER_04: 24:12

Like, you have no idea how true of a statement that is. Like, I'm I'm like bubbling with excitement because like you don't know what I know. And I'm telling you, faux show.

SPEAKER_05: 24:27

You are there ain't no fucking competition, babe. It's you. I'm okay.

SPEAKER_03: 24:33

Okay, good.

SPEAKER_05: 24:33

No more tears. Good.

SPEAKER_03: 24:35

No more dear! I was fucking thinking that. I know. We have hive mind all the time. We we stay on that, we stay on that fucking wavelength, you know?

SPEAKER_02: 24:44

And I kept myself and I was like kind of proud of myself for staying on track and being like, oh no, keep uh keep the music to a minimum, bro.

SPEAKER_03: 24:53

No, no, I'm I'm gonna fucking pop off with it. Shit. Pop off queef. Pop off queef.

SPEAKER_02: 25:04

That's just so funny to me. I haven't said that in a long minute either. You know what's funny?

SPEAKER_04: 25:12

Is there I can feel that that's like that's what yeah, I could yeah, we do got that again. Yep, whether or not I believe in the idea of the one, you are, I am, so like, let's go. LOL.

SPEAKER_05: 25:36

That's gay. Love is a powerful emotion, and I know that I have said the words before this relationship. Right. And when I think back to those relationships, I genuinely just have this wide-eyed disbelief of how could I think that that was love? And I remember asking myself early on, like, what makes this love so unique? And honestly, exhibit A through infinity.

SPEAKER_03: 26:13

Like, I have so much fun with you. I I enjoy our time together and I enjoy being silly with you. You know, I I've said that I've I've told other partners that I love them, and it's not necessarily that it wasn't love, it was an idea of love that I had at the time, right? So and that is always going to be a constantly changing thing, right?

SPEAKER_05: 26:37

And you needed that level of love understanding to have this level of love understanding, right?

SPEAKER_03: 26:44

Because I love myself so fucking much, like to my goddamn fucking unbreakable core. That you wouldn't that you wouldn't trade that for anything. You would sooner be alone than sacrifice how much love I had for myself. Right. If nobody's gonna love me the way that I want to love me, then I'll just do it myself. And I could say and I don't want to be a broken record about it, but like fight anybody on it. Right. And that's that was another thing. It's just like and it wasn't like a I'm willing to sacrifice, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It wasn't like that. Like, I'm not with like there was no settling. There was no settling. There was like, oh well blah blah blah. It was just let's keep the let's keep an eye on it. Let's continue, yeah, let's continue moving forward, and uh yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 27:30

I uh I really, really love how we have done this relationship, how we do this relationship. Like this is a constantly evolving and growing nurtured relationship, and it's the healthiest fucking relationship I've I've been in, and uh it's really cool.

SPEAKER_03: 27:56

And we continue to call each other up. Yeah, yeah, we call we hold each other accountable. Yeah, and that's important. Yeah, that's very fucking important. Yeah, like if there there was like there was one thing, we've had some alcohol in our systems, I think this is getting a little too hot, and I think that we should yield from this conversation until we are sober tomorrow. I can see where this is going and I'm not gonna participate in it, so neither should you.

SPEAKER_05: 28:22

Yeah, and on that evening, Corey learned that although she has emotionally matured drastically, she under inebriated circumstances should heed that advice and cease conversations post-haste. But I will say my ego got in my fucking way that night because I was like, I'm healed, I gotta have this conversation. I am healed, and I can write this conversation.

SPEAKER_03: 28:51

That was not the time. Right, no, that we that wasn't it. I see us both wanting to get the point across. I s I heard the volume start to increase, and I was like, you know what, we're gonna simmer this back down. This is not the way, and nip that and shit right in the button. Yeah, you know, and we were like we were not screaming or yelling at each other by any means. We've never like a seven. Right. And that's the thing is like we don't we don't scream at each other, we don't argue with each other, we don't call each other names. Right. We approach each other with kindness, love, and understanding, curiosity. Yes, you know, gentleness too.

SPEAKER_05: 29:29

So much further with that approach.

SPEAKER_03: 29:32

Right. And it does like sometimes, like, sometimes it's like, so this conversation needs to happen. I need to better adjust how I want to present to this so it's not like a complete mess. You know, I want to make sure that I have bullet points here so I can get through everything without going around in a fucking circle. Because sometimes I can squirrel. And I know that. So it's just like I have.

SPEAKER_05: 29:56

Sometimes I can just focus on that one fucking thing. Right. And not let it go. I'm like, I'm healed. Bitch, sit down. Have some water.

SPEAKER_03: 30:09

Have some water, just have a snack, let's go to bed.

SPEAKER_05: 30:11

Go to bed. Sleep it off. Tomorrow's another day.

SPEAKER_03: 30:14

Well you just let's just go to bed. Let's go to sleep. Yeah, we both we just wanna. Let's go to bed. Right. We both just wanna. And but it but it immediately after it was just like after the like after that moment and it got totally deflated. Yeah, it it immediately started. And we were both kind of like I'm like, can you? Right. No, and that's the thing, is is like I I could I can't fathom being short with you, being mean to you, hurting like like doing anything there. I can't fathom that. I'm very intentional with our conversations, and I do handle things with as much care as I possibly can.

SPEAKER_05: 30:53

And we also do a really good job of saying, hey, time out. This feels like attack. This feels condescending. This feels shitty. And I don't mean the topic is shitty. I mean the tone. Yeah, because like I topic, fuck, I don't care if you think the topic is shitty. I don't care.

SPEAKER_03: 31:15

That's yeah, that's fine. I just don't want you to be looking at me with daggers in your eyes. Right. Recenter. Hey, it's us, it's uh it's us versus the problem. We're on the same team.

SPEAKER_05: 31:24

And I appreciate that we we have both called a recentering, and that's important, that it's not a one-sided recentering. Because if it's one-sided recentering, or you know what I mean, like a a force in a singular direction, right? Right. It's there hits a breaking point. Right. You have to be able to flex.

SPEAKER_03: 31:43

Right. Both of us need to be seen and heard. And if it's not gonna get accomplished any other way than having comical collected conversation. Yup. Yeah, I think we do really fucking good with that.

SPEAKER_05: 31:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 31:54

Like exceptionally well, and I love that. I do too. I love that.

SPEAKER_05: 31:59

We should have a podcast.

SPEAKER_03: 32:00

You know what? I thought about that. Because like we do well, so well, like with communicating with each other that we should definitely maybe people could use that in their toolbox.

SPEAKER_05: 32:11

Yeah, maybe they can hear our stories and share them with the people that they know and love, and you know, yeah, just uh spread some communication and kindness, because the world is better with kindness.

SPEAKER_03: 32:26

Right. We we maybe, you know, and we're really good at queerly communicating. Hey, wait a second. Literally, that's just how something literally, that's that's literally how this fucking podcast got birth, everyone. Like real shit. Last November. We were very last November.

SPEAKER_05: 32:43

It's been a year. Like I was doing the math on it earlier, and I was like, it's almost been a year. Last November, and I was like, holy fuck, it's already December. All of this to say that like your timeline can look like whatever the fuck your timeline looks like. There doesn't have to be anything. It just has to be honest, it has to be genuine, and it does have to be authentic. I mean, it doesn't have to be, but uh if you want to fuck around, you could find out.

SPEAKER_03: 33:11

I think the most I think the the funniest, the funniest thing ever, now that I'm a married person, I get to hear people talk about how they hate how much like hey, they are they're just like, oh my god, blah blah blah blah. I'm like, wow, like you can really complain about your partner a lot. Why are you guys together then? Right. That doesn't make sense. Like ball and chain. I was exactly gonna say this. Like, you act more like it's a ball and chain, and like, so why why? Why are you together then? Because I don't relate to anything that you're saying, and they don't they don't get that. They're like, what? I'm like, I don't relate to that at all. Like, I love being around my wife. I love spending time with her. Yeah, like and yeah, I'm not up her ass. She's not up my ass because we give each other fucking space. We have personal time, right? But I love I like I genuinely love to be around her. She's not a nag, she doesn't like we're a team. And to watch these fucking the like they they like all of a sudden you get married, like all of a sudden, like, yeah, you're probably on my side. No, fuck, I'm not on your side. I'm on my wife's side, I'm on my side. Right. Like you can complain about your relationship all you want, but maybe you just need some clear communication. Say goodbye to all your freedoms. Right. It's just like, yeah, all your freedoms are going. It's like, where do where'd they go? Where'd my freedoms go? I don't I don't recall signing those away. Right. Uh well, you can't do anything. I'm like, who says? Right. I can still do whatever the fuck I want. Well, you can't. I'm like, no, but you can't. No, you can't. You can't because you sounds like you didn't establish boundaries and shit, but sounds like maybe somebody doesn't trust you. Right, right. Like, I can, we can, and it's because like we've we've done the groundwork. We continue to grow, we continue to show up, and yeah, it's really important. So you were married before. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05: 34:52

Did you ever think that you would get married again? No. I I actually specifically remember a conversation I had with a colleague at the time. Um, when I was going through the divorce, and um this colleague, he and his husband were newly married, and within the month of me getting the divorce, and he and I were talking, and I could see how the idea of me giving up on marriage looked to him. And I I remember what he said with tears in his eyes. He said, give it time. And he was right. I never forgot that conversation. And I appreciated that. Yeah. And I know you said you you didn't think that you'd get married.

SPEAKER_03: 35:44

No, I never thought I'd get married. Ever. No.

unknown: 35:47

Okay.

SPEAKER_03: 35:47

And I've been engaged. And I still, when I even though I was engaged, I never thought it would lead to a marriage.

SPEAKER_05: 35:53

Yeah. And you were like, alright, just so you understand, like, this is as far as I'm going with this.

SPEAKER_03: 35:58

No, it wasn't even like that. It was it was just a yeah, I just never saw it legally happening.

SPEAKER_05: 36:05

Ah.

SPEAKER_03: 36:05

Like, yeah, so the engagement was there, but I just never really like I just did not see the follow-through with it.

SPEAKER_05: 36:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 36:12

Yeah. There was just something there was just something about like so yeah, but being aged fine. But uh yeah, I didn't. There was no follow-through. Yeah. There was never any plans to follow through either. It wasn't like, hey, let's do a date or anything like that. It was just like a Yeah. I had no plans to. And I guess that's kind of shitty now that I'm thinking about it. But maybe more it maybe it was just like a promissory note.

SPEAKER_04: 36:35

Like You're like, I don't know, we'll we'll cross that bridge if we get there, can't I? Right, right. Right.

SPEAKER_05: 36:41

Never did right, right. So honestly, it's it's kind of a moot point anyway.

SPEAKER_03: 36:46

But like but yeah, I never I never thought I never thought that I would get married.

SPEAKER_05: 36:49

I think like I think my family was surprised that I got married again.

SPEAKER_04: 36:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 36:56

You know, I know I know. To a woman. Right, right.

SPEAKER_03: 37:00

Like, oh shit. Cause like I'm getting married again, and it's to a woman.

SPEAKER_05: 37:08

Like sh- Oh yeah, so like if you didn't know lol, now you do. Because like I I wasn't really out and like I said, I said early on, I really didn't date women. You know what I mean? Like I didn't even have intimate relationships with another woman until I was in my 30s. Right, right.

SPEAKER_03: 37:32

So like nothing wrong with that. 30s? There's no there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. There's so like there's so many no, there's so many 30s, 40s, 50s. Hell, there's women in their 60s. Yeah, there's totally blooming.

SPEAKER_05: 37:44

I might not have been in my 30s. I might have still been like 28, but like late and I can't do the math.

SPEAKER_03: 37:49

Yeah, there's there's plenty, there's so there's so many people out there that and they're actually in marriages and they're discovering this about themselves. And I was, yeah, and I did. They're like and then I was like, hey, uh gotta go.

SPEAKER_05: 38:03

Yeah, this is the middle of the pandemic panorama.

SPEAKER_03: 38:07

Shit. Yeah, self-discovery's a good thing.

SPEAKER_05: 38:10

Then I'm gonna ask you. Yeah, because especially since you never thought that you would ever get married, what is the difference between dating and marriage?

SPEAKER_03: 38:21

Government paper. Government government paper, and if shit goes south, it costs more money. You can't just walk away. It's a different level of commitment, I do believe. But I do believe that I do believe that you could date somebody and have that kind of a relationship with them to where you do act like you're a married couple. And it is that solid. It's just not on paper. I do believe that that's possible.

SPEAKER_05: 38:46

So my parents have family friends who have been together for as long as I can fucking remember. Like, and I I knew my psh, I was at least six with my earliest remember of these people. So we're talking almost 30 fucking years, okay? Right.

SPEAKER_03: 39:01

Like it basically comes down to common law shit, right? Correct.

SPEAKER_05: 39:04

Right. And I know that they intentionally never legally married for whatever reason. And they are still a married couple in, you know what I mean, like the common law situation, but also I think that marriage is more of an internal in your heart how your intentions are really brought to the relationship. Because if your intentions are I want to build something with you, and I'm about to legally make the government aware of my intentions to build with you. Because I think that's a powerful fucking thing.

SPEAKER_03: 39:37

It's a building permit.

SPEAKER_05: 39:38

It is. It's a fucking building permit.

SPEAKER_03: 39:41

It's a building permit.

SPEAKER_05: 39:42

And I think that's a great place to uh to wrap it up.

SPEAKER_03: 39:46

What uh what about the what about some listener questions? What do you what do you think? What do you think? What do you want to ask 'em?

SPEAKER_05: 39:52

What is your idea of love? What does love mean to you? So, all right. Until next. Next time stay wild, stay whimsical, stay weird, stay bold, and stay quilly committed. Bye.