S1 E4 - Breaking the Cycle – Unlearning Toxic Relationship Patterns

💜 Toxic behaviors don’t always mean toxic people—but they do mean patterns we’ve inherited, absorbed, or adapted to survive. Many of us carry behaviors from past relationships, family dynamics, and societal conditioning that hurt us and the people we love. But here’s the truth:

✨ We can unlearn them.

✨ We can break the cycle.

✨ We can choose healthier, more fulfilling connections.

In this episode, we dive into:

🔹 How toxic patterns form & why they feel so normal

🔹 Recognizing harmful behaviors in yourself & others

🔹 Steps to unlearn, heal, and create healthier relationships

No shame, no judgment—just real conversations about growth, self-awareness, and building love that thrives. 💜

🎧 Listen now on Buzzsprout, YouTube & all major platforms!

#QueerlyCommitted #BreakingTheCycle #QueerHealing #SelfGrowth #LGBTQPodcast

Transcript

0:08

(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Welcome back to Queerly Committed, the podcast where we talk about love, relationships, and keeping it real, especially in queer relationships. I'm Eryn. And I'm Cori. So today we're diving into a really big one, unlearning toxic relationship patterns. Yeah, so this is a topic that hits close to home because, let's be honest, we've all had to unlearn some things, right? Oh, absolutely. And sometimes you don't even realize that you've picked up toxic behaviors until you step back and go, Oh, shit. What am I doing and why am I doing this? Exactly. And we're not here to shame anyone. Right. We're here to talk about how to break the cycle and build healthier relationships. So let's get into it.*Cori makes transition sound effect* Right, right. So, Cori, when you hear the phrase toxic relationship patterns, what comes to mind? For me, I really think about cycles that keep people stuck. There was a time when I thought that giving the cold shoulder or the silent treatment was normal. And looking back, I see it was not healthy. Ooh, right. Yeah. And I think a lot of people don't even realize that they're in toxic cycles. For me, there was a period of time where I almost felt like I was asleep, where I didn't realize, I didn't have the same level of self-awareness as I have now, really. And so many of these behaviors truly just feel normal at first. Like, if you grew up around them or saw them all in movies, you might just think that this is how relationships are. Like, toxic patterns are often invisible until we actively question them. Right, right. And that's exactly how toxic patterns are, right? When they feel normal, but they're not love. Right. Let's talk about some of the big toxic patterns that show up in relationships. All right. First up, straight up. I'm gonna go with lack of accountability. If someone never takes responsibility for their actions and always blames others, that's a big red flag. Oh, absolutely. That and guilt tripping. The whole, if you love me, then you would. Yeah, well, that's emotional manipulation and it's not love. Yeah, it's gross. Then also there's that passive aggression and avoidance. Like you said, silent treatment, stonewalling, making your partner guess what's wrong. Been there, done that, not doing that shit again. I've also done that, like not being able to fully express what I wanted. Like, I know this is something that I have done. I have responded to the question of what's wrong with nothing? Nothing. How often in our entire relationship can you count that I have responded with nothing? In our relationship? Well, I don't recall, but you're usually pretty forward about, you know, your feels. Right. I can usually tell by the expression on your face, like you're definitely thinking something. Right, which is why especially, first of all, I'm glad that I learned about myself, the importance in doing this and being able to communicate my wants and needs appropriately. But I also really appreciate that you are somebody that can and you do read me so well that I know that there's no fucking point in even trying to hide it. Right. And thankfully, I don't have the desires to do that. It is a conscious decision to make changes in our life and I chose to break that cycle. And that's a good thing. I feel a lot of the times people will say, oh, nothing's wrong, or they will put their emotions essentially on the back burner and never express them. And I think that that can lead to a lot of resentment, not think it can lead to, but it does lead to a lot of resentment because you're never actually putting out there how you feel. And you're choosing, instead of expressing how something made you feel or what you're feeling at that moment in time, you chose to put it on the back burner. And essentially, you're choosing comfort and people pleasing over actually expressing what you are going through and what you're feeling because you feel that it's easier just to not even bring it up. And that's not a good place to be. Right. That's not relationship goals. No, not at all. And that goes back to emotional communication within ourself and with others in a relationship. Right. But let's also not forget about codependency, which oftentimes is disguised as love. The whole I can't function without you energy. It's not romantic. It's unhealthy. And I have absolutely done it. I can think of when I was younger. Yeah. Very young, and I had that kind of an attitude. But also, I'm developing as a person. Yeah. And thankfully, I was a teenager. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Thankfully, I was a young, naive teenager. Yeah, this wasn't when I said I was doing it too. This isn't like last year. Right, right. November of 2024. Right, right. Here it is, February 25. And another thing is, speaking of the codependency, another one is jealousy and control mask is care. So if somebody says, I just worry about you, and that's why I just want to know everything. Right. And that's just, no, that's not care. That's control. So tell me about whenever you found yourself falling into these patterns, what did it look like? For me, it looked like avoiding contact like the fucking plague. Yeah. I was a people pleaser, and whatever I could do to just make things just not, you know, just turn into a blaze of glory, that's what I would do. And a lot of the time, it was just me not expressing how I was feeling about something, essentially putting my emotions on the back burner. And it did make everything worse. What did yours look like? For me, passive aggression and avoidance. Those were really big ones. Also, codependency. I used to make my partner into my entire life. And then, and I know we've talked about this before, as far as like, what happens at that point, then, if anything changes. And it almost inevitably does, because truly, the only constant is the presence of change. So when I tried to take up more space in another human being than in my own skin, it felt like I was constantly searching for something. Because I had this fucking void, and I was like, I just need to fill it with more stuff, more people, and maybe if I just give back harder, you know. And there was this like, almost repentance, that I felt like I was trying to give back. And I felt like, well, if only I'm more selfless, then I will be happier. And I'm telling you, holy shit, I'm glad I'm done with that. Right, yeah. I've been there too. Instead of letting your cup overflow, you end up pouring from an empty cup. And because it's always like, well, if I just give a little more, if I could just do more, if I could just be more. Essentially, you just do everything for the other person and nothing for yourself. And, again, when everything falls apart, you don't have anything left, because you invested your whole self into another person, instead of keeping your individuality, which we talked about in a previous episode. Right, because at that point, the foundation of who you identify as is so entangled with that other person, that if that other person is now no longer in that relationship with you, or in your life, or whatever, now you almost feel like half of your entire soul has been ripped out, and you're just going to sit there and scream, Ohio is for lovers by Hawthorne Heights, until the sun comes up, or whatever other emo song you chose to get through the shit. Right, and it's essentially every single time the house gets torn down, and you're just standing there with the pieces, wondEryng what happened. Right. And just because you didn't invest in yourself. Right, when the foundation is solid, it doesn't fucking matter what happens outside. Right. Because I know I'm going to be still standing. I'm still going to be standing. You know? It's like the three little pigs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. House is made of bricks. My house is steel. Oh. Oh. Oh. Without credit, it's 2025. Okay, right. We don't make houses. They make houses out of press board now. Oh, well, actually, no. Oh, wait, no. If it's a shipping container. I was just going to say, I want to change it to a shipping container. But that's kind of steel. Yeah. But you know what? I'm a shipping container. You're a shipping container. Yeah. And together, we make a shipping container house. And you know what? It's good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And obviously, nothing's going to happen, because we know that. But let's say in some fucking fuckery, if something were to happen, I'm still a shipping container. You're still a shipping container. Right. There hasn't been one shipping container. Like, yeah, we joined the two shipping containers together, made it something bigger. Right. But at the end of the day, we still are two separate containers. Not one. Not two containers that just melted into one. Right. And that clear separation has to look like understanding that your partner needs space. Understanding that your partner needs alone time. Understanding that your partner needs to be themselves. Right. And it ain't got nothing to do with you. It just doesn't. Like, not in a negative or shitty kind of way, but in the it doesn't have anything to do with me. If you want to, I don't know, you know, focus on your music for four hours, it doesn't have anything to do with me. And that simply means I am part of this relationship with you. I can enjoy your life in its own beauty while I share the space with you. That is the overlap. It is not fighting for ground. And like, what do I do during those times? I either read or I'm, you know, writing something or I'm writing my own music or I'm just playing games. You know what I mean? I'm fucking off. So it allows me that breathing room too. So it doesn't have anything to do with me, which means I get to do whatever my heart desires. That was a rant and I apologize. I think we both went off the hand just on that one. It's alright. And that's okay. It's alright. Yeah. Yeah. So where do you think these behaviors come from? Well, I really think that a big one is family conditioning. Whenever we grow up in unhealthy dynamics, we might repeat these behaviors without even realizing it because that's what's been modeled before us. Right, right. When you have the societal messaging, all of the love should be dramatic narratives that we get from movies and TV. Yeah. No. Gross. Right, right. And there are also fear-based responses just like abandonment issues or trauma responses. So were any of the toxic behaviors that you either did or that you encountered, did you ever have a point in time where you thought that that was just completely normal and that's just how things were? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I used to think whenever people were jealous or like they wanted to know all of the information, it's because they truly cared. And so I was like, oh, wow. It's nice to be pursued. It's nice to be pursued because it is nice to be pursued. But that just felt like too much. Kind of like a troll? Yeah. Right, right, right. Because it's not a healthy love. It's not a healthy love environment at all. It's, yeah. Gross. Yeah. Yeah. That one got me too. And then also the idea that conflict, excuse me. Also the idea that conflict means a relationship is failing. It doesn't. It doesn't. Conflict in a relationship. You can have open discussions. Yes. It doesn't mean your relationship is failing. It means that a conversation needs to be had and avoiding any conflict. It's going to make things worse. Yeah. Period. Period. Just bring it up. Yeah. It's better to have a good conversation. Yeah, absolutely. So talking about that, let's also talk about some solutions. How do we actually break these patterns? I think it all is going to begin with awareness, you know? If you're able to recognize a pattern showing up for yourself or for your partner, bringing an awareness to that, I think that's going to be the first thing. Step one right there, you know? For sure. Yeah. And I think that next step is being honest with ourself. Honest communication. Being able to say, I've noticed I tend to do this and I don't want to do that anymore. Or being honest with your partner. Right, right. And then once you recognize these things, then you're able to replace harmful patterns with healthy ones, right? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So like, instead of being passive aggressive, have direct open communication, you know? Right. Maybe instead of guilt tripping, try taking responsibility for emotions. That's what really, really helped me. Yeah, yeah. And then instead of controlling behavior, respecting your boundaries. Yeah. Your boundaries, their boundaries. Yeah. Yeah. So what about toxic behaviors we've done ourselves? Can you tell me about one that you've worked on unlearning and what did that? My big one was people pleasing. Yeah. You know, I just didn't want the conflict, I wanted everybody to be happy. And essentially it made me shut down instead of actually actively trying to resolve things. Just simply keeping the peace. That was one that I really needed to unlearn. What about you? For me it was emotional reactivity. I had to really learn how to pause and to respond rather than reacting from a place of fear or upset. Yeah, that is so important. I think a big part of approaching our own toxic tendencies with compassion instead of shame is a big thing, you know? We should definitely give ourselves that grace. Absolutely. Because honestly beating ourselves up isn't the same as accountability at all. Because growth happens when we recognize, not when we chastise. That is correct. Put that on a t-shirt. Right. Don't beat yourself up. Give yourself grace, okay? For real though. Yeah. Give yourself grace. You know? Yeah. What about some closing thoughts? Some closing thoughts? Let's see. Well, let's just start off. Let's end it by saying toxic patterns don't define us. Right. It's how we choose to change that does, you know? For sure. Yeah. Because we all really do have the power to unlearn and to grow and to do better. Do you remember that quote by Maya Angelou? It says, do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. That's the stuff. That is the good stuff. That is a great quote. It's one I continually come back to as just good, solid reminders. Yeah. It's a reminder that not only do we have the power to change, but to always revisit it and do better when you recognize it, you know? Yeah. Absolutely. So we want to hear from you. What's a toxic behavior that you've recognized and worked on? How do you set boundaries with toxic behaviors in relationships? DM us, drop a comment. We would love to keep the conversation going. Right. And don't forget to subscribe to Queerly Committed on Buzzsprout, YouTube, and all the other major platforms. All right. Until next time, keep loving, keep growing, and stay Queerly Committed. Thanks for tuning in to Queerly Committed. We're so glad that you're here. You can stop by every week and get new episodes with us. That's right. Every Saturday, new episodes. For free. Yep. Every week. So connect with us. We'd love to hear from you. Join the conversation, share your thoughts, share your stories, and be part of the Queerly Committed community. That's right. 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